According to Punsters International, there are precisely 45,652 Dad Jokes. Most of them are terrible. Good news: These 101 “Dad Jokes” are terribly funny.
We want to make you laugh and give you the best resource for funny Dad jokes—and how to tell them. So, we scoured the web, asked our funny friends, grabbed every dad jokebook ever published, and…
You are about to experience The 101 Funniest Dad Jokes on Planet Earth.
What is a Dad joke?
- Dad jokes tend to be built on Puns.
- Dad jokes are short. You get a set-up. Then the punchline. Boom!
- Dad jokes usually make listeners groan. But many of them are truly funny. And some are good because they are so bad.
FUN IS NOT A 4-LETTER WORD
Here at CleanComedians.com, we want you to enjoy laughter you can trust. So, you won’t find any raunchy or racially insensitive jokes here. But after you read these Dad jokes, you may feel that you belong in a penitentiary.
These Dad jokes are clean enough for kids. But they will also appeal to groan-ups. Get it? See what we did there?
This collection of funny quips has been loosely arranged by topic.
Read them by subject if you want. Or heck, you can get on a roll and read them all.
We predict you will GOL. (Groan Out Loud).
Remember this: You don’t have to be a dad to tell a good Dad joke.
At the end of this collection, you will find: 5 Tips for How to Tell a Dad Joke.
THE BEST MEDICINE
#1. I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”
#2. My doctor told me I’m going deaf.
This was hard for me to hear.
#3. I told my dad, “I’m having an allergic reaction. We need to get to a hospital!” He said, Well, let’s not make any rash decisions.
#4. I’ve used sweeteners like Splenda and Sweet-N-Low for years.
My doctor told me I have artificial diabetes.
#5. Call it a hunch. But I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the spine.
#6. The man who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at his funeral.
#7. A duck walks into a pharmacy, asks for some lipstick, and says,
“Put it on my bill.”
#8. Dad, I think I suffer from kleptomania.
You should take something for that.
#9. This joke is for people with crooked teeth: Brace yourself!
#10. At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good.
But now I stand corrected.
#11. A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Bring me a beer and a mop.”
#12. A guy walks into a bar and that’s how he lost the limbo contest.
#13. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says. “Hey.”
The horse says, “Sure.”
#14. The past, present, and future walked into a bar… It was tense.
YOUR JOB IS A JOKE
#15. I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
#16. How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
#17. A construction worker digs three holes and says: “Well, well, well…”
#18. I lost my job at the Orange Juice Factory.
I couldn’t concentrate.
#19. I couldn’t believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
#20. I used to be a Freelance journalist, but I wasn’t very successful.
Lance is still in prison.
#21. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.
#22. I was fired from a job at a calendar factory.
My bad. I took a couple days off.
#23. If at first you don’t succeed…skydiving is not for you.
(That’s corporate entertainment, mind you.)
#24. Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached
#25. The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can’t beat that.
#26. What music frightens balloons? Pop Music
#27. When I was working at Burger King, Andrew Lloyd Webber came in and asked for two Whoppers.
So, I said, “You’re good looking and your musicals are great.”
#28. My favorite film is Clint Eastwood’s classic The Unforgiven.
Now, they’re working on a sequel called: Hey, I Said I Was Sorry.
#29. I saw a documentary on how ships are put together. It’s riveting!
#30. One thing I learned from Brad Pitt. Don’t be a name-dropper.
#31. I’ve been watching a channel on TV that is all about Origami.
It’s now on paper view.
#32. Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester.
#33. We went to see a play. The actor fell through the floor.
He was going through a stage!
#34. I’d like to go on a diet, but I just feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
#35. I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
I guess she and I aren’t going to work out
#36. The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family.
The problem is no-one runs in your family.
#37. I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me how to do the splits?’
He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, “I can make Tuesdays.”
#38. Man, I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.
#39. My landlord told me we need to talk about this big heating bill.
I told him: “Sure. My door is always open.”
#40. When I bought a universal remote control, I thought:
This changes everything!
#41. I’ve been looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world but it’s definitely up there.
FOOD IS FUN
#42. Have you heard of this new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu, you just get what you deserve.
#43. Welcome to our restaurant, do you have reservations?
No, I’m pretty sure I want to eat here.
#44. The server said: “Wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
#45. What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
#46. I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
Guess I should have set the oven to aloha temperature.
#47. I hated facial hair, but then it grew on me.
#48. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
#49. I don’t know what the word apocalypse means.
Hey, it’s not the end of the world.
#50. I admit it. I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid.
But I can stop at any time.
#51. I went to a smoke shop. It had been replaced by a men’s suit store. Clothes, but no cigar.
#52. I used to have a fear of hurdles. But I got over it.
#53. I’m reading a wonderful book about anti-gravity.
I can’t put it down!
#54. I just found out I’m color-blind.
The news came out of the purple…
#55. I almost had a psychic girlfriend.
But she left me before we met.
#56. Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
#57. I fell into an upholstery machine.
But now I’m fully recovered.
#58. I was going to tell you a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.
LEARNING THROUGH LAUGHTER
#59. The teacher asked our class, “What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?” I said, “I don’t know, and I don’t care!”
#60. I was a bookkeeper for 10 years.
The school librarian wasn’t happy about it.
#61. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.
#62. I was at the library and asked if they have any books on paranoia.
The librarian told me, “Yes, they’re right behind you!”
#63. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
#64. To the guy who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.
GRAM-HA & GRAMP-HA
#65. Grama told me her false teeth are like stars.
They come out at night.
#66. My grandfather invented the rearview mirror.
He made millions–and he’s never looked back.
#67. Shout-out to my grandma.
That’s the only way she can hear me!
#68. I asked Grampa why he fell down that well.
He said, “I can’t see that well.”
#69. My grampa’s first name is “Lance.” It’s not a common name today.
But grampa says in medieval times, men were called lance-a-lot.
#70. Grampa was once a cop. He was trying to get our daughter to take a nap.
He got upset because he said, “She is resisting a rest.”
#71. Eagles may soar. But weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
#72. I’ve just written a book on penguins.
On further reflection, paper would have been better.
#73. Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don’t know the words.
#74. If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, try swimming with sharks. It cost me an arm and a leg!
#75. What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with a Golden Retriever?
A dog that will bite your leg off and then run for help.
LAUGH AFTER DEATH
#76. Mike tragically drowned last week. At the funeral, we got him a wreath in the shape of a life jacket. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.
#77. My uncle was crushed by a piano. His funeral was very low key.
#78. A man has died after falling into a vat of coffee. It was instant.
#79. My grampa gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
He said it’s worth spending some money on good speakers.
#80. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
#81. My dad was born a conjoined twin but separated at birth.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
#82. I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on me.
He’s not dead, he’s just really condescending.
#83. I have a stepladder. In many ways it feels more like my real ladder.
#84. Dad, I think I suffer from kleptomania.
Well, you should take something for that.
#85. Dad if you could have any superpower in the world what would it be? China.
#86. Dad, last night I dreamed I was a muffler!
Wow, you must be exhausted!
#87. Dad, I’ve broken my leg in several places.
Well, don’t go to those places!
#88. I was raised an only child…which really annoyed my sister.
#89. I had a fun childhood. My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires. They were Goodyears.
#90. My wife made me breakfast yesterday, but she forgot the toast.
I got super upset. I can’t help it. I’m lack toast intolerant.
#91. Never laugh at your spouse’s choices…you’re one of them.
#92. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
#93. Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back-to-back.
Luckily, I was the one facing the tv.
#94. I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house…but the kids still get in.
#95. My parents just got back from a once-in a lifetime cruise.
My dad said, “Never again!”
#96. Dad says: I rule the roost in this home.
Mom says: Yes, but I rule the rooster!
#97. A kid decided to burn his house down. His parents watched with tears in their eyes. “That’s arson.”
FRIENDS ARE FUNNY
#98. Dude 1: “Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
#99. I was playing chess with my friend. He said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So, we stopped playing chess.
#100. Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I’m just asking for a friend.
#101. A friend of mine said, “I have no idea what cloning is.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
5 TIPS FOR HOW TO TELL A DAD JOKE:
You don’t have to hire a comedian to tell these jokes. You can do it all on your own! Here’s how:
#1. SAY IT SERIOUSLY
Dad jokes are silly. But tell them straight. The more you deliver the joke like it’s a serious thing, the funnier it will be!
#2. EMPHASIZE A KEY WORD
Here’s an example. You will get a bigger laugh, ok more likely a giant groan when you tell this Dad joke and punch up the words “pie rates” at the end. Like this:
A slice of mango pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in Puerto Rico. These are the Pie rates of the Caribbean.
#3. SLOW DOWN
The biggest mistake joke-tellers make? They rush. Take your time. By this, I don’t mean make the joke longer. I mean make the story very clear. Take your time with the premise/set-up. And then…
#4. PAUSE BEFORE THE PUNCH LINE
This might be the most powerful tip of all. When you wait a beat—probably about two full seconds—before you get to the joke’s ending, it really makes it POP. (Pardon the pun as that relates to Dad jokes).
Make sure you give a full pause for a moment, even if it feels almost awkward. Then BAM! You hit’em with the punch line. Trust me. This will create more laughter : )
#5. MASTER ONE OR TWO JOKES
OK, it’s hard to believe jokes this silly need to be “mastered.” But like anything you want to do well, practice is crucial. So do this: Choose one or two Dad jokes that you find funny.
Tell those same jokes as often as you can. Share them at home, at work, at play, and even try them out with new people you meet. Don’t make the mistake of trying to remember dozens of jokes. Just get great at telling a couple of your favorites.
You’ll enjoy giving people around you the gift of laughter!
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Adam Christing is the Chief Entertainment Officer at CleanComedians.com. He is the author of several humor books including Comedy Comes Clean 1 & 2 and Your Life is a Joke: 12 Ways to Go from Ha Ha to AHA!